A Little Uncertainty

Saturday, January 2, 2010

While this whole whirlwind of telling everyone about the baby has been wonderful and memorable, it is scary too.  It might sound weird, but it's not like I felt all that pregnant right away.  I was queasy and exhausted, but it's not like I could feel the baby in there.  I was so scared that maybe this was a cruel joke, or a virus, or something crazy like that.  Then, of course, what if this was just a chemical pregnancy? What if the egg was fertilized but never implanted and in a few days I took a test again and it was negative??!?  

Okay, maybe I should have researched chemical pregnancies a little bit more before freaking out so much, but it was (and still is) scary.  

That feeling didn't go away, even after I got more pregnancy symptoms (read: horrible nausea, extreme fatigue, strange cravings, wild mood swings, and huge tender breasts).  I still think that this could all be psychological.  What if I just CONVINCED myself that I am pregnant, and my BRAIN (which has turned against me in the past, make no mistake about it) is making me have all these crazy symptoms.  It's not like I've never gone through a whole jar of dill pickles in one week before!

After wanting a baby for so many long years, after all the countless days when I broke down into tears because I was sure I would never get pregnant, this pregnancy thing is really hard to get used to.  It seems so tenuous.  At any moment, I feel like it could be snatched away from me -- not so fast, sweetheart.  No happiness for you!!

I wonder when it will feel ... okay.  Like it is for real and forever and our little soybean is here to stay.

For a little less serious version of how things have been going in these parts, just click here.


Amanda said...

When one of 3 things happen(or all of 3 things happen) A. The first time you hear the heartbeat(which is NOT detectable before like 10 weeks, so don't flip out if you don't hear it at the first visit) B. Your first ultrasound(which you WONT be able to read, and you WILL feel like a failure as a parent, because you cannot tell which blobby black shadow is the peanut/soybean/whatever your term of endearment is. This is normal. You are NOT a failure. It doesnt really look like a baby until like the 3rd or 4th .. and even then, it's a lil sketchy.) or last, but CERTAINLY not least, option C. You feel your baby move. Probably not till about 16-18 weeks. It will feel like a flutter. You will think you imagined it. And then, in about 20 minutes, you will feel it again, and then you will spend EVERY WAKING SECOND willing it to happen again, because you love the feeling of it, even though it feels like a moth is inside your uterus, trying to get out. And Jeremy will be disappointed, because although YOU get to feel your peanut squirming around, he will not. Not till about 22-25 week. So, for a good 8 weeks or so, that special feeling is reserved for you and only YOU. It WILL feel real, and as soon as this nausea BS is done, you will love and cherish every minute.

Veronica Marcetti Dimick said...

Oh, Amanda. You are wonderful.