Doctor Visit and GBS

I had my weekly doctor's appointment today.  The first thing I asked the doctor was if he could take her out today.  He said no.  Jerk.


It was a bit of an emotional visit after that, however, because he told me I was positive for Group B Strep, the bacteria they tested me for last week.  I started sobbing, so it turned into a little therapy session.  


Group B Strep, which is not related to Strep like Strep throat, is a bacteria that 10-35% of the pregnant female population hosts in their vaginal and/or rectal regions.  It is completely harmless to adults, but there is a chance of it being transmitted to the baby during delivery.  If the baby were to transmit the Strep, she could develop serious infections or pneumonia soon after birth.


What it means for me is that I will be on IV antibiotics during labor and delivery to reduce the chance of passing it along.  However, since I am allergic to penicillin, they will have to do some testing on me to see which antibiotic I will be able to tolerate.  I did not ask whether we will be able to do that ahead of time or it will be done when I get to the hospital since I was too busy freaking out and crying, but when I am calm tomorrow I will call and ask more questions.


The doctors say the chance of the baby having any complications is VERY slim since we will be prepared with antibiotics, but I can't help but freak out and feel so guilty.  This THING I have inside me could seriously hurt my baby, and that is my fault.  Okay, so I had no control over being one of the population to have this bacteria (it is not contracted or developed due to something I did), but it is still in ME and I am now exposing my baby to another complication on a day that could be full of complications.


Plus, I don't know as much about this as the doctors, so it is hard to just think, Oh, okay, they will hook me up to an IV.  No problem.  I keep thinking of the what-ifs:  What if I am at work and it takes me a long time to get to the hospital?  What if she is exposed to the bacteria before they have a chance to get the IV up and running? What if my sensitivity to most drugs causes problems and the antibiotics are not delivered on time or efficiently?  I never claimed to be someone who doesn't overreact or over-think things.


After that whole big bombshell he dropped on me, he checked the heartbeat, and it was loud and strong, and then told me it was good that I was having a few sporadic contractions.  After that, I was all prepared for him to check and see if I was dilated, but he says they don't do that until the 39th week unless there is a very good reason. He said many doctors don't do that preemptively anymore because it is very painful, and contractions or water breaking is a much more accurate sign of progress.  He said I could request one at any time, but at their practice they will not ever induce me unless there is an excellent reason, so if I was dilated and not contracting, they would just tell me to hang in there.


So, I asked him if I could request him breaking my water.  He said no. Again.  Even after I offered to bake him a cake.  Jerk.


After calling Jeremy and my mom sobbing, I went to Joann Fabric and finally bought some fabric for sheets for the cradle (I am going to keep her in our room for a while in the cradle my dad made for me when I was a baby).  I also finally bought a canvas, paints, and brushes to get started on a painting I want to make to hang in her nursery above the crib.  I hope it turns out!!!


Then I moped around the rest of the night, because crying exhausts me!  I know this Group B Strep is not the hugest thing in the world, but I am so frustrated and feel so out of control.  I have been trying so hard to do everything right, and now there is nothing I can do to minimize this risk for her.  I guess this is just practice for the rest of her life, right? :)  

35 Weeks

I am not even going to bother pasting in a picture of what the books say the baby looks like now, because OBVIOUSLY my baby is not a normal 35-week baby.  The books says she should be anywhere from 5 1/4 pounds to 5 1/2 pounds ... but at the ultrasound earlier this week she was in the mid-to-upper 6-pound range.  So, from now on I think I'll just say length: long, weight: very heavy.


As for other baby-making developments, her kidneys should be fully developed this week and her liver can process some waste products. Her brain is also developing at an amazing rate and her body fat, which used to be about 2%, is 15% (or higher) at this point.


This week has been slightly rough for me, but mostly just the discomfort of being so big and not being able to move.  I have been sleeping a lot.  Just not at night.  Also, my gentle little lamb has her foot shoved up so far under my ribs that sometimes I just sit for hours trying to push it out and trying even harder not to cry.  And when I try to push her gently so she will move?  Yeah, she kicks and kicks until I give up and leave her alone.  

The official caption of the photo:  "The glow is gone, people!"

As you can see by the picture, yes, I have outgrown almost ALL of my maternity clothes.  They have all become belly shirts.  Classy, let me tell you.  I actually wore this outfit around town today while we ran some errands.  We went and picked out stain and whatnot for the dresser (which Jeremy worked on today, and it is looking GREAT!), then I went into Barnes & Noble.  I was looking for a baby book ... and I ended up running out of the store crying.  Classic.  At first I was crying in the aisle while reading all the pages -- first smile, first bath, etc. -- and then after I had gone through all of the books they had, I was suddenly overwhelmed and couldn't remember which had which pages, and WHICH was the best??  I was too busy crying to remember.  I needed a piece of paper so I could make a list of pros and cons!!!  Then I ran out.  Good times.


Jeremy said it was okay because we had plenty of time, and I wailed, "What if she is EARLY?  We need the baby book at the hospital to get the FOOT PRINTS!"  He reasonably suggested we get the prints on a piece of paper and put them in the book later.  I cried.  He is in for so much more than he ever imagined.  But he hasn't run away yet! :)

Materinty Clothes and Shopping and Crying, Oh My!!

I wore MATERNITY CLOTHES today!!  In honor of such a momentous occasion, I took a picture, and I even took ... a BELLY SHOT!

You may have noticed a lack of belly pictures, and to be honest, I have been embarrassed to take any.  I started showing very early, and after hearing about a thousand mothers tell me I probably won't show until the 4th or 5th month, I was feeling fat.  I was sure that I was just gaining pudge, and I didn't want to go showing that off to the Internet.


Well, guess, what?  I have lost SEVENTEEN pounds since getting pregnant, and I still gained THIS bump ...

I am assuming it is baby-related and not fat-related.  I also read that if your abs were not in such great shape when you get pregnant you are likely to show earlier because there is not much resistance.  I'll be honest.  My abs were NOT in tip-top shape when I got pregnant, so I think it just popped right out.


So, NO MORE SHAME!  I have a bump and it is not fat!!  I'll just tell strangers that I am like 5 months along when they ask! ;)


In addition to all this excitement, Jeremy and my mom when to Babies 'R Us today ... and I got so overwhelmed that I cried.  Kind of a lot.


The crib I thought I liked was WRONG WRONG WRONG in real life, and they didn't have the swing or bouncy seat I wanted to check out.  I was also very underwhelmed by the car seat stroller combos.  The seat does NOT seem secure in that stroller.  What if we move to San Francisco and have to go downhill all the time and the seat pops out??


Anyway, it was all just too much.  Like the first time I went shopping for my wedding dress and the consultant wasn't bringing me the dresses I asked for and I felt like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man and left crying.  The moral of the story is that I went back a few weeks later and the second dress I tried on was the one and I bought it and took it home with me and looked at it lovingly every day for 10 months until the wedding.  So, the next baby shopping trip will probably be amazing.  Right?

First Offical Doctor's Appointment

Yesterday I saw the midwife at Meridan's Women's Health and had the big, long informational visit.  She didn't seem scared about my family history, so that's good.  Apparently they are more concerned with a family history of Down's Syndrome, immunodeficiency diseases, and birth defects than they are with large amount of cancer in my family. They also did not chastise me for being an "obese mother," which I was freaking out about, so all in all it was pretty good.


During the exam, she said everything looks great and I am actually closer to nine weeks than eight, like I originally thought.  She also gave me a new due date of August 28th instead of September 5th.


It's really weird though, because I am feeling really down in the dumps today.  I had really thought they would do SOMETHING to be sure my baby was in there growing ... I knew I might not be able to hear a heartbeat yet, but practically every mother I have talked to in the past few weeks has said they got an early ultrasound.  So why didn't I?  


They also said I won't be getting my first ultrasound until 19-20 weeks!! That seems late to me.  And, of course, when I made my next appointment for the middle of February, I didn't have the presence of mind to ask if they will be looking for a heartbeat that day.  And now I am afraid to call and ask.  But I would really like to know, because if they ARE, Jeremy wants to be there, and it would have to be moved to a Friday.  And if they AREN'T, then I need to find a way to explain that I NEED that to happen.


Yes, I know the solution to this is all very simple:  CALL THE PLACE. But, if you know me well, you know my struggles with anxiety and panic (which I really don't have the time, energy, or space to explain here), and you know that a simple phone call like that can reduce me to tears.  Believe me.  I have been hung up on a lot.  Years ago, I couldn't even order a pizza.  Thankfully, I can do so now.  Otherwise, I might have wasted away to nothing by now! :)


Anyway, I am feeling sad and like it still isn't real, but I do love the midwife I met with yesterday.  When I told her about the nausea, she gave me a prescription (love her!), but she also said, "Oh, honey, I know right now you are thinking 'I did NOT sign up for this!' but soon you will be loving this pregnancy!"  


When she asked me if I had any travel plans for the rest of the pregnancy, I told her about my dad's big banquet in Detroit at the end of August that is bigger than his wedding, my wedding, and the birth of Jesus combined and he needed me there, she said, "Well, stop by the day of the banquet, and we'll give you your file.  They have lovely hospitals in Detroit."  So I bet my dad will be happy to hear that. :)


My mom said I need to write more about how I'm happy to be pregnant. Let me direct you here and here.  Yes, I am ECSTATIC to be having a child.  But, unfortunately, right now I am not too excited with my personal pregnancy.  But that doesn't mean I am not still grateful and excited, and I have high hopes that I will be happy soon.  So, here's to hoping!!

Food Woes

I have been struggling more and more with food lately.  Yesterday, the only thing I could stomach was ... french fries.  

Yes, greasy, terrible, lacking in nutritional content french fries. However, they totally saved the day. I was having a B-A-D day yesterday.  I felt all sick and die-y, and it all came to a head when I was driving downtown to meet Jeremy for his lunch break, and I nearly got into a car accident ... on purpose.  A man ignored a yield sign and tried to pull out in front of me at the last second in a rotary, and I seriously considered jerking the wheel and teaching him a lesson ... road rage style.  Apparently the look on my face was enough, because he whipped it into reverse SO FAST.


I got to the restaurant before Jeremy and Loel, and the waitress actually asked if I was okay.  I guess I looked that green.  So I ate an entire basket of fries before they even showed up, and I felt GREAT for the rest of the day.


Anyway, I woke up today feeling really terrible, and couldn't think of anything to eat.  So I drank a few ounces of a protein drink and headed to Meijer.  DEAR GOD.  I almost sat down in the middle of the aisle at one point and gave up.  I considered calling Jeremy at work to come get me.  I cried twice.  Once because I went to buy ingredients for a lovely soup I was going to make my friend Heather today, and when I saw one of the ingredients, which is also one of my favorite foods, I had to run away so I wouldn't ruin ANOTHER purse by puking in it.  The other time because I saw a bib in the baby aisle that said "I may be small, but I'm the boss."  I actually sobbed at that point.


After TWO HOURS at the store and only getting four little bags of food, I got home and made myself a snack I was really hoping would make me less of a basket-case.


Take a look at this:

I feel like I am in a commercial.  And it was DELICIOUS.  And now I feel stellar.  


I was shocked, because the baby has refused every other type of cracker, but for some reason Toasteds are okay.  Hmmm.  


I really hope this continues to be a good snack and I can pack it for work this week, because I have SO few foods I can eat right now.

Leaps and Bounds

Thanks to Arwen Mosher, I am no longer dying!  Let's give it up to her for telling me my blood sugar is likely all whack if I am eating things like saltines.  She suggested trying to get protein and fat into my mouth every time I eat.  She warned me it would sound terrible, but I trusted her and ate a nice fatty protein this morning and LIKE MAGIC the sea of sickness in my stomach calmed, and I probably could have eaten ANYTHING today.  I kept it up with a lot of small protein meals, and I am feeling like a rock star.


Her timing could not have been more perfect, because I had to head back to work today.  We had a 6-hour long meeting and I had been pretty worried that I would die 5 minutes into it and get fired.  But I survived!  And I even went GROCERY SHOPPING after the 40-minute drive and CAME HOME AND MADE CHILI!!!!  These things have not been happening lately because of all the death, but now it's like I'm a whole new lady.


The other great stride I made today is finally choosing a place to make an appointment for my first huge "intake" appointment.  I decided to try the Meridian's Women's Health Center on the advice of Miss Jess (you take a bow, too) and I liked the sound of the place.  I am even more excited that they have a certified midwife on staff, and I will be meeting her for my initial appointment.  The only problem is I still have to wait another two weeks to get in.  Grrr!  I am still having those terrible fears that I am not really pregnant, and I need some blood work or nice close up pictures of the baby (I kid) to provide me some evidence.  And I have lots of questions (surprise!).


In other news, this is what soybean looks like right about now:

Isn't she cute!?!?!  (Jeremy calls the baby "he" and I call the baby "she" -- just to be fair.)


The nose, mouth and ears are beginning to take shape, and the baby's heart is beating 100-160 times a minute.  Blood is beginning to course through his body, the intestines are developing, and the bud of tissue that will give rise to the lungs has appeared.  The pituitary gland is forming, as are the the rest of the brain, muscles, and bones.  The tongue and vocal cords are even beginning to form!


The baby is probably a quarter of an inch long and is about the size of a lentil bean.


I really wasn't prepared for how different it would be to read this information when it was MY BABY they were describing.  I cried when I read the 6-week physical changes descriptions to Jeremy from What to Expect When You're Expecting.  Well, no surprise there!


I continue to get GREAT ideas and advice and motivation.  Thanks to all of you, and keep it coming! 

The Crying Game

It seems cruel.  I mean, come on, body!!  I am emotional enough already!!  Why, oh why, did you feel the need to pump enough hormones through me to make me cry at the drop of a hat ... and sometimes be unable to stop.


When the ball dropped on New Year's Eve?  Oh, forget about it!  I had been crying for the entire 15 minute countdown in Times Square, but when the (fancy new Waterford) ball dropped, it was crazy, wracking sobs.  Poor Jeremy.  I bet that man thinks I am not pregnant and actually suffering from a nervous breakdown.  Or am possessed by the devil.


We watched The Village on New Year's Eve.  The Village -- an M. Night Shamalyn thriller, and I cried for about 25 minutes of the 90 minute film.


I was looking at stuff on-line and NURSING PADS made me cry!  Maybe it was the obvious reason (OH MY GOD, I AM THINKING ABOUT BREAST FEEDING WHICH WILL HURT LIKE CRAZY!!), or some convoluted emotional response that involved many different things that I had better not list here because I will start sobbing again.


Uh oh ... speak of the devil.  Gotta go get some Kleenex.